.{ Reticent Musings }.

And I have come to a conclusion:

2009-08-06T14:59:00.002-04:00

I'm done talking about babies! If it happens, it happens. And until then: No more baby talk.

Wth is going on...

2009-04-16T14:41:00.002-04:00

A few days ago I noticed I've been having a lot of back pain, skin has been real itchy and irritable and then I started having this brownish red discharge. Needless to say, I still haven't had my period. The discharge stopped for a day and then it started back up. I've been reading up on yahoo answers, and nearly everyone says this is implantation breeding. I'm so afraid of getting excited, especially since I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was negative. But I might have taken it too soon.

I'm going to be scheduling an appointment with planned parenthood soon. I should schedule it today... Oh God, I am so scared and happy all at once. I don't want to mention anything about it to Matt either. I don't wanna mention anything to my family... I just want to go and have a blood test done at PP and find out yes or no... if no, then I want to know what the heck is going on with my body. Who do I really have to hold my hand through this? I know I have Matt, but he has enough stress to deal with as it is. I do have Rene... but where the heck is the closest PP to get to? Oy...

Blah

2009-04-07T23:58:00.002-04:00

So I'm going into month three without my monthly cycle. Dare I hope? I dare not... Every night I've been curling into bed and feeling my belly, fingertips gently probing for any sign of a lump. A tiny shred of something... I don't discuss this with Matt... He doesn't know I'm doing this. I've been having irregular periods for a year come May. I've missed two in a row before... there is no reason to believe that I may be pregnant. But God... I sure am hoping. Matt and I had a really long discussion one night about my obsession with getting married and having babies before I turn a certain age. Ever since then, I haven't talked about any of it with him. I'm so afraid of pushing him away. He's told me he doesn't wanna be 'that guy', the guy a girl cannot talk to. Sometimes, like with this stuff, I can't talk to him.

I annoy the hell out of him sometimes, and I can see it in the way he acts.. or doesn't act. I know his moods like the back of my hand. He says something isn't wrong, when I know in fact that something is wrong. He tells me nothing is wrong, but I can just feel it pouring off of him in waves. I can handle it though. I love this man more than anything in this world. He completes me. I want to spend the rest of our days together. Better or worse, richer or poorer. Though for the whole entirety of our relationship; it definitely has been the poorer end. We'll be okay though soon enough, financially speaking.

Anyways.. I'd better go to bed, it's just after Midnight and we both have to be up early for work. I just want him to know I won't pressure him for anything. What ever happens, happens. Young age, old age... I'm just lucky to have him now.

Fuck...

2009-03-25T16:28:00.002-04:00

I just felt like saying 'fuck'.. I haven't updated this in a while, and I do have a bit of uncomfortable feelings sitting on my chest and weighing me down in so many ways.

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been feeling like I've come around full circle again. Like something is right, something I've been through before... something ugly that will only devestate me in the end. I should be used to those feelings, but sometimes.. when it happens unexpectedly, I come to expect it again and again.

Maybe I'm rambling about nothing, maybe I'm being paranoid... Lord knows I do that real well.

I don't know why I cannot stop thinking about babies... every where I turn and look, it's baby this and baby that.. pregnant women everywhere. I'm terrified that I won't be able to have babies... I feel like less of a woman sometimes because of it. I'm so scared, and I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I don't want to burden my boyfriend with any of this, he has enough to worry about... besides, don't we have plenty of time down the road for that kind of thing? And marriage... God... I just want to curl up and stop thinking about all of these life issues for five minutes.

I was looking at foster and adopting options today online. I would love to be a foster parent... so many kids and teens out there need a good home now. I want to help the world, but I really wish the world could help me for two seconds. I need a pillow to scream and cry into... if for any reason... because I can, and it might make me feel a little better to get rid of some stress.

On top of it... I really should apply at Kroger's for a night job. There is no good reason why I should not. Money is money, and so what if I work myself to death... at least I'll have something to keep on my mind other than babies and marriage. I told myself I would never be a ring hunting baby factory. And here I am, contradicting myself! I love Matt so much, but sometimes I think I'm too much for him to handle.

We don't even hang out together than often anymore... we're always in separate parts of the house. It kills me a little more every day. I want to get out with him and do things... I'm afraid of our relationship hitting a plateau and going stale. I'm afraid that he'll wake up one day soon and realize what a mistake he's made by being with me. Maybe they are irrational fears... but maybe they aren't. Where are the butterflies we used to get in the first stages of our relationship? Are we too comfortable with each other to get them anymore? God help me... I just wish I had my old best friend to cry to.

Much Better Now

2009-01-18T09:20:00.004-05:00

Bah.. blogger just had a moment of stupidity when I tried to publish my post just now. So I'll retype it!

Rene came around and said she was very sorry, I'm still Ayden's God mother and she and Ayden miss me very much. She also said I should have the position she used to have at work. So, by the grace of God.. I'll be getting it.

The big 25 is looming nearer and nearer.. it's now the 18th. AHHHH! 25 years old soon..

Need to go to planned parenthood and get blood drawn to see if I'm pregnant. I need to know so I can plan my birthday accordingly. No drinking if I am. Not such a bummer, but I would at least like to live it up for the big 25!

Found out a few days ago that our friend Ryan and his wife Theresa are having a baby! So excited, Matt and I put down a 20$ bet to see if the baby will be a boy or girl. He's saying boy.. I, of course, am saying girl. We'll see in August. Lol..

For now though, I'll sign off and come back later and write up some detailed blogs about random bs.

Ciao Bella!

To top it off..

2009-01-10T08:49:00.000-05:00

Rene has cut me out of her life, and has renounced my right as Ayden's Godmother. How low is that?

Rene is a total bitch, there aren't enough curse words in my personal dictionary to rain upon her for doing this.

...

2009-01-03T20:47:00.002-05:00

My family thinks I'm one big piece of shit. To Rene, even her friends aren't as insensitive as I am.

The only one I have on my side is Matt. And it seems like he's the only one I'll ever have there. How do I develop a thick skin over night? How do I become a hardcore bitch and say "Whatever.." to every thing that hurts me?

I think I'm done with myspace. I just want to be left alone, I don't want anyone to contact me. Just leave me the fuck alone..

I don't know what I have ever done to make them, especially Rene.. hate me so much.

Can I just start this day all over, please?

C'est la Vie

2009-01-01T12:45:00.002-05:00

1. I love love love my new layout on this, lol. It's great isn't it?

2. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve were absolutely fantastic.

3. I love Matt.

4. I'm getting so many hours at work I don't know what to do with them all. Haha

5. I love love love IMVU. It's awesometastic.

What else am I missing.. Hmm, guess that.. oh wait..

6. I'll be 25 this month! Ahhhh, where's my wrinkle cream and geritol?!

Trick Or Treating

2008-11-02T01:16:00.002-04:00

I went Trick or Treating with Rene, my mom and my 2 year old Godson; Ayden. Rene had me take him up to a house, one of the first ones.. to get a piece of candy for him. We had instructed him how to do it and the first house he ran up to and dropped his bag in his excitement to yell 'Trick Treat! Hi, Hi!!!"

I carried him up the walk way and he was struggling, crying and beginning to scream that he was scared. I looked over at Rene and she told me to go ahead and take him, he'd be okay. But I pressed my fingers to his chest and his heart was beating like crazy and when we got back and I put him in his stroller.. he was shaking. It was really breaking my heart and I told her he was shaking.. and she said he'd be fine.

I said, "Rene.. he's scared to death, he's only two years old." And her response was.. "And if we leave now, what about when he's three.. or five.. or eight?! He'll be scared then, too."

It really hurt my feelings.. It's like she was implying I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. I felt like she was taking him out for aesthetic purposes. With an, 'oh look how cute my 2 year old, dressed up like batman. Let's see how much candy we can get!'

It made me sick, it made me angry.. I would never put my baby through it if he was terrified like that. She made me feel like I'd be a bad mother.. she made me feel like the scorn in her eyes was saying... "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, you don't have any children." Am I going to be a bad mom if I don't force my children to go out for Halloween if they are absolutely scared shitless? It hurt me to see that baby crying, shaking and his heart beating that wildly.. all for the sake of some stupid candy and costumes. It made me sick to witness it.

Our Saturday Night

2008-10-26T00:59:00.001-04:00

Matt and I went to Mt. Healthy's Haunted Hall.
Paid ten dollars each to get in, though we could have either brought two canned goods a piece to get 2 dollars off a piece, or we could have paid 15 dollars to jump the line and go right in. I'm glad we didn't pay the 15 dollars to jump the line, I despise line jumpers.. even if they have "Gold Passes". The wait was worth it in itself. I kept psyching myself out, because I am easily scared as it is. I love being scared.. whether it be by movies or haunted houses or whatever.
In the roped maze of a line, there were guys walking around all decked out in scary costumes. One of which, was a guy as a zombie. If you all don't happen to know.. I'm terrified of zombies, they are my favorite subject though. I guess it tapped a personal fear, whatever.. it scared the shit out of me. The guy was GOOD at what he was doing. And I really do mean good.
So we finally get to the front of the line, and I'm thinking they're going to send in groups of like.. 10 or something. Wrong. Totally wrong. They were doing how ever many were in YOUR group. Guess what? It was only Matt and I.
I don't know why I started really freaking out, we went in and I turned around and started begging Matt to not go through with it. He coaxed me to go on in, so I did. Something scared the shit out of me and I screamed, and then the tears came.
Yes. I, Jenny, screamed and cried like a little baby. Tears poured down my face, things kept popping out at me and I buried my face into Matt's chest and sobbed. I know he was really amused and shocked because I'm 'a tough girl' and I love horror movies. Like I said.. I have NO idea what made my head snap and start crying like I did. I was shaking, my knees were weak... I know those people running that thing were VERY proud of themselves. They definitely accomplished what they set out to do.
Scare the hell out of people.
I don't know how many times I screamed, I don't know when I stopped crying. My eyes burned, I went through it. It was expertly set up and I am glad we went. It was well worth the ten bucks a piece, the wait in line and all the tears and screams. Those people put a lot of effort into the business, I'm glad they got put into the Hall of Fame for haunted attractions by CincyHaunt.com
The improv was perfect, the effects were phenominal and over all.. I didn't pee my pants or puke. Especially on the fun house effects like the revolving room that goes in a circle around you while you walk over the bridge. It has green glowing dots all on the circle going around overhead and under foot and all around in general. I thought I was going to puke. We had a zombie as an escort through it and he told me to close my eyes while going through it because I thought I was going to get sick.
After we got out of the building, there were attractions set up all in the back of the place outside. Like the circular tube that revolved and made me dizzy and sick. There was a maze we had to duck and turn through in total darkness. I loved it.
I'm giving this a ten out of ten stars, ten being the best of course. I cried, I screamed, I begged to leave, and I loved it all.

Needless to say.. after we left, I meekly asked for ice cream to soothe my scratchy throat. I'm a total wimp. =)

My Thoughts, My Opinions.

2008-10-25T13:30:00.004-04:00

I think that my mom treats Ayden better than she's ever treated me. Especially now.

She was at my house Wednesday night doing laundry and I was helping her watch Ayden because Rene was at work and my aunt Dora is too sick to help watch him while my mom does it. So.. she's in the kitchen cooking, and Ayden was running up to the stove and I scooped him up and brought him into the living room and plopped his little butt on the couch. He was mad, of course, he's two.. he wants to do whatever he wants, Lol.

My mom came rushing in there after me and she's like..

"Don't you EVER do that to him again."

I'm like.. "Say what?! All I did was bring him in from the kitchen away from the DANGEROUS stove and into the living room to watch cartoons. Whatever."

I let it drop, but it really fucked me up. My mom used to be really terrible to me, physically, mentally, emotionally.. She still is sometimes. Watching her around Ayden, she acts like he is HER kid, he is HER precious little angel. She lets him get away with whatever he wants! She does not reprimand him like she should.

She constantly keeps an eye on him, constantly.. I mean it, she won't leave him alone for 2 minutes before checking in on him. There was nothing for him to get into at my house. It's pretty kid proof, except for the stove of course. Which.. I was trying to keep him out of there.

He cries about everything, screams when he doesn't get his way.. and my mom said. "Let him do it, I don't want to listen to him scream and cry."

No. Way. No. How.

I don't put up with missbehaving children. Yes, he's my Godson, I love him so much. I was there when he came home from the hospital, before he came out of Rene's belly and I helped in raising him up until almost 2 years of age. Which he is now.

You cannot let a kid get their way because they'll throw a fit if they don't!

You cannot say, "I don't want to hear him/her cry, let them have what they want." It's irresponsible, and bad parenting. Rene disciplines him, Aunt Dora disciplines him. My mom lets him get away with murder so she doesn't have to hear him cry.

I haven't said anything to them about it, but I've ranted to Matt about it plenty.

It really hurt my feelings for my mom to say that to me, hurt my feelings even more watching her coddle him every second of the day like he is HER baby.

I'm afraid of having children and letting her watch them. I don't want spoiled brats for kids. I believe in punishing the act with a good spanking. Not beating, not screaming at them, but a good sound spanking on the butt. I'm afraid my mom won't care about my children like she does with Ayden. I'm afraid they will come in as second best. Ayden isn't her Grandchild. He's her nephew through Rene.

Are these fears soundly voiced? Am I wrong for feeling like I do? I sure don't think so. But who knows.. I don't have children of my own. I'm just there to watch them grow, right? To be the backup plan when things go wrong, or.. I don't know.. All I know is.. my feelings are hurt and I can't say shit because my mom will flip out and probably try to choke me again. I'm not wrong for not wanting to go through that again.

Good God.. please make these dreams stop!

2008-10-19T11:55:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated this in about a month.. Only because I haven't had any weird dreams. Boy... I thought with my ex visiting, I'd get over the feeling of tension. I thought that, if by seeing the guy I'd first fallen in love with.. my high school sweet heart that had moved to Texas almost 4 years ago. He broke my heart something bad, and I only just got over him about a year and a half ago. He had been my everything, and we'd been together nearly six years. I had asked him to marry me twice before moving to Texas. Ha.. no.. He broke my heart into millions of pieces. And I myself.. put it back together again.

Anyways. We had been the best of friends, and had started seriously friendly talking after I met Matt. The current and last love of my life. I'm going to marry that man. Seriously...

So.. I hadn't seen Gus in nearly three years, and I had been nervous.. not because I still loved the man.. But because, I was afraid there would still be attraction there. I was afraid I'd wind up kissing him, or worse. Matt was so very trusting, ensuring me that he was okay with me hanging out with Gus. It makes me love him even more, if that's even possible.. That he'd trust me, love me so much and feel so secure.. that he didn't mind me being with someone I'd used to love. I love Matt, no question about it. Even when I talk with Gus, Matt is all I talk about. *Sigh* Yes, it is love. =)

Okay.. so let me get to my current dream. This happened just last night, mind you. And I got to see Gus this past weekend. He met Matt, Matt thinks he's gay. Lol I know otherwise, but hey.. I can't argue with Matt because I know Gus has joked about being bisexual before. Still, I know he isn't gay. I think he and Christine are trying to work out their past problems with each other. I know they made out, and nearly had sex this past weekend. I know he'd marry Christine and have kids with her. That, is really sweet to me. Christine is one of my best friends, and Gus is getting there again.

So.. let me get to the dream, finally.. and stop rambling on.

I dreamt last night, that I caught Matt and Gus making out in my house. I was shocked beyond what I could have ever imagined. I remember tears streaking down my face, remember thinking back to when Gus and Christine had been a couple without me.. leaving me out, forgetting about me and my feelings. I cried so hard, I begged to know what the fuck was going on.. and then I ran.. I ran and I ran from them.. they chased of course, they looked for me everywhere. I hid and cried, wondering how this could happen to me again..

I jumped up, knowing they were close by. And suddenly the scene shifted and we were back at our house. I went up to Matt, demanding to know how he could do this to me. All Matt could answer was that he was in love with Gus. I asked him if he still loved me, and he said he didn't know.. I just could not stop crying, and I asked him if he was still going to marry me. He said no, he wanted to be with Gus.. I was desparate in my dream.. I came up to both of them, hiccuping, asking if I could be a part of them as a couple. Matt and Gus both said no. And there I was, in the same situation as before.. only ten times worse because I'd been left for a gay lifestyle.
What the hell is up with these dreams?!

::talking dirty, ugh.. i fail at it.

2008-10-19T11:54:00.002-04:00

Our anniversary fell on August 28th, which happened to be a Thursday. A day that we had just finished moving all of our belongings into our new house and both had to work that night. Needless to say, we were ultra tired when we both got home and with tender kisses.. we both fell asleep. Now.. don't get me wrong, I don't mind the days that we don't make love.. and I don't even mind that we didn't make love on our anniversary considering the circumstances on the day of. I don't mind not getting gifts, I don't mind not doing anything the day of. But I am a romantic at heart and little things mean the world to me.

We made love on Sunday, August 31st. I'm not much of a dirty talker, but I like when he talks dirty to me. It catches me off guard when he tries to get me to talk dirty.. I lose some of my mood because I'm thinking of what to say.. my brain is just thrown right off, and I get very shy all of a sudden. He wanted me to tell him what to do to me to allow him to finish. Like a clam, I shut right off and became embarrassed. I felt bad, but he didn't mind and finished anyways. The hell is wrong with me? Ugh. Me, who is always begging to make love.. The horniest of the two of us. And I can't even utter simple sexy things..

;;a n n i v e r s a r y [8.28.08]

2008-10-19T11:54:00.001-04:00

Amidst a bed full of sleepyheads, I wake up this morning and wake up my honey; Matt. He kisses me, eyes not open all of the way. I murmur to him, "Happy Anniversary, baby." He smiles, turns to face me and wraps his arms about me. Pulling me as close as he can, though the dogs hog the foot of the bed. It is bliss, and I am happy.
However.. We have no gifts to give each other, no cards, no evening to spend on dinner at a posh restaurant and no time to dedicate to this special day. All we have... is each other. And that is all I need.

I love my sleepyhead honey, if every anniversary is like this. I'll be content. A happy kiss and big cub hug.

::proposal pushed back, and i botched it. [from 8-26-08]

2008-10-19T11:50:00.002-04:00

I mentioned to Matt, that he could hold off on proposing to me about a week ago.

The clue's he'd given to me to guessing when he'd pop the question were '30' and 'It concerns a date'. He was positive our anniversary was on the 22nd of August. Laying in bed a couple nights ago, I asked him to tell me when he'd been planning to propose. He said the day had passed. I couldn't help feeling a little sorry for myself and the botched situation. We've been so broke lately, and he was so stressed and worried about the approaching date to propose..

He hadn't been able to get a ring as quick as he'd hoped. He was so relieved to hear me tell him to hold off on proposing due to the stresses we've been going through.

8+22 = 30

The date? He'd been planning on asking me at the place we'd had our first date, this beautiful park sitting on this roughly hewn bench. On our anniversary.

The day passed, and I had been none the wiser.

The bright side? I know he loves me more than anything, I know he wants it to be perfect when he asks me to marry him. I'm just happy that he wants to spend the rest of our lives together.

I love him so much. So what the date for asking is pushed back? But why do I still feel a little sad? I wonder what he was thinking on that day.. I can't remember if he was moody on that day. I hope he didn't feel miserable because his plan went awry. He is my soulmate.

::scary lady

2008-10-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

I just remembered a part of a dream from sometime last week.

There is a crazy nazi woman after me, because she doesn't approve of me living with Matt before we get married. She's even attempted to kill me, shoot me down.. And before the dream ends, I have to agree to move out and marry him before I can move back in with him. Psycho bitch. Before the dream ends, I have signed a contract. She was stern looking, middle 40's, white blond hair and very thin. Wore a navy suit, skirt suit at that. She was scary.

Angsty Dreams

2008-10-19T11:47:00.001-04:00

Okay, for the last few months now I've been having some disturbing dreams involving my boyfriend.. whom I know will be proposing to me, asking my hand in marriage if not this year, then something shortly in the next year. I must have some kind of anxiety about marriage, or.. why else would I be having bad dreams about him and the future impending nuptials? I love my man to death, and I know he'd never leave me or cheat on me. I don't understand why I'm having dreams about my ex, especially since I feel nothing for him. Not a shred of love is left in my heart for that man.

I've completely moved on and found someone so much better. For those of you who don't know my honey, his name is Matt, he's 28 [soon to be 29], in college to become an IT Professional and loves me so thoroughly. We met through MySpace mid to late August of 2007, soon fell in love with each other. We both know we're the only one for each other. We talk of marriage all the time, of kids and our future. We share a wonderful house together and have plenty of opportunity to grow as a family and partnership.

However.. why am I having these irksome dreams? I'll explain the last few to you, of what I can remember that is. They've been occurring and recurring over the last few months. I guess it could be because it's dawning on me that I've struck gold with Matt, marriage IS in our future... and it's all real. Tangible.. and oh so scary and awe inspiring. Okay.. here we go.Dream 1: I've left Matt and went back to my ex whom lives in Texas, whom has moved back to Kentucky. [This dream has occurred several times.]Dream 2: [This dream happened a few days ago.] It's the day of our wedding, and I realize that I forgot to purchase Matt's wedding ring. In a panic I come to him with this and he tells me the ring he's gotten me is fake.

Like something out of a cracker jack box, something completely cheap and easily broken. I am aghast at this piece of 'jewelry' and he and I fight about it during the wedding. The Minister won't wait forever and tells us it's now or never.. But how can we get married without rings?! Then, something knocks me unconscious and I am rendered into a coma for several months. I wake up to find that Matt is angry with me for this happening. He tells me very vehemently that he doesn't love me anymore, and I don't understand why because in my injured brain I still think it is the day of our wedding. He tells me cruelly that it is not, he tells me what has happened and that he has found someone else. Someone better.

My heart breaks within the dream and I wake up feeling distressed. Dream 3: [This happened only last night, and it's the biggest baddest one of all; so far. Also, let me explain that I am good friends with his ex girlfriend: Heather. They have a rocky past with each other, but are on good terms now as it's been several years since incidents happened. She's one of my really good friends. Met her through him, actually. Well.. Anyways. ] In my dream I find out that he has been cheating on me, I find out that he wants to leave me and go back to his ex Heather. [Whom is married to the guy she cheated on Matt with, btw. Don't boo her, it's all in the past. They're all grown up now. Stupid shit happens when you're young.]

Anyways.. I am totally devastated by this news.. and I ask him if it's because I'm not pretty enough. He assures me it's not.. and then I ask if it's because I don't have as much money as she does.. Bingo. I cry to him, I tell him I'm in school to become a Nurse and will make double what she does. He doesn't care.. and moves all of his possessions from our house. I cannot stop crying, I beg him not to go. He doesn't care. He just wants to be with Heather because of her money. And the fact that he's been cheating on me! It hurts me to the quick.. knowing she's one of my best friends.. and willingly slept with him.. willingly went to him! A week passes in my dream and I see her out shopping, without him tagging along.

I cry to her, ask her how she could do this.. and I tell her the only reason he is with her is because she's got plenty of money to blow on him. She looks uncomfortable, won't meet my eyes and mumbles that she's sorry and that she has to go. I am a total wreck, and I fall to the ground sobbing and asking "Why?". Dreams aside, I know he has no feelings for Heather and that he loves me unconditionally. I know she has no feelings for him, and that it's probably my subconscious working out stress through my dreams. Am I terrified of getting married? A little.. but I also want it more than anything. I love Matt, I do not love my ex, he does not love his ex, his ex does not love him. What is going on in my crazy head?

I am so confused......

2008-06-28T12:44:00.001-04:00

Am I missing something? Maybe she doesn't want to talk about what's happened between her and Jenna. She told me she never wanted to see Jenna again, yet I see she's friends with her again. I don't get that. Maybe she'll tell me when she's ready. I just want to see her happy and not get hurt over and over.

Only time can tell.

.{ This is I }.

2008-03-20T22:59:00.000-04:00

You were fortunate enough to be born under the humanitarian zodiac sign of Aquarius. You are therefore ruled by electric and progressiveUranus making you forward thinking and self-directed. You're a bornrevolutionary so no one can tell you how to live your life. Your clear-cutapproach makes it perfectly clear just how differently you wish toexperience life. You just don't want to be like others and take pride in the fact that you'reso unique.

Even if you're occasionally criticised for your cheeky attitude,you'd far prefer to be self-sufficient rather than being a sheep in societywho follows everyone else's lead. You are a zesty individual, having tremendous amounts of energy. Youare determined and forceful in how you deal with people. You want toexpress your ground-breaking spirit in everything you do butunfortunately you won't always able to break free of the limits that areimposed upon you.

Some Aquarians learn through their family life thatbefore you can be the master of your own destiny, you have to serve. Insome extreme cases Aquarians are controlled and dominated byothers throughout the formative period of their lives which is why it's sodifficult for them to submit to others. If you're not able to live your life on your own terms, you'll dream andaspire to a future time when you can fulfil your destiny to the fullest inexactly the way you want.

You have very inspirational views of the worldand even if your opinions are too different, you'll always be respectedfor speaking your mind honestly. You share your zodiac sign with many other grand personalities. Likethem you are attracted to social issues. You like to be involved ingroups and organisations that make a difference in society. Even in thesmallest of ways, you will try to make some difference in this world. Ifyou look at Aquarians like Oprah Winfrey, Boris Yeltsin and entertainerslike Peter Gabriel and John Travolta, they are deeply interested inchanging the awareness of people to make the world a better place.

Because you have great organisational and communication skills youwork really well with others. You have your own ideas and solutions toproblems. Others are surprised at your quirky approach and how youresolve these issues. You're investigative, curious and extremely active mentally. Yourthinking mind rarely, if ever, stops. You need to learn when to shut downas your brain can become overactive, especially at night. Communication is your speciality and you relate well to the world. Youwill continue to enlarge your active personality so don't try to suppressyour true character – just express it prudently.

You're vigorous in the wayyou present your ideas so there's never a dull moment around you.There's often someone who wants to challenge you, especially if theyhappen to have a much more conventional way of doing things. You'll bemore than happy to challenge that taking great pleasure in proving themwrong. Uranus, your planetary ruler, is abrupt and breathtaking by nature andwill fill your life with plenty of unanticipated surprises - good and not so good. You like it like this and the unexpected is something you thriveupon!

Even if you have a stable home or work situation you like toshake things up from time to time to keep everyone on their toes. Still,you're very loyal when it comes to your most personal relationships. You like to create a comfortable environment in which to live. Venusinfluences your domestic sphere so you have a flair for design andcolour. Your surroundings mirror your unique character. Others areamazed at the way you decorate your home.

There'll be nothingordinary about it, that's for sure. Your far-reaching attitudes overwhelm your friends sometimes and theysometimes refer to you as harmlessly "mad". Salvador Dali the famouspainter once remarked about himself - "The only difference between meand a madman is that I'm not mad!" Even if he wasn't an Aquarius - thissums you up perfectly. You embrace anything technological as Aquarius governs modernappliances. You are inventive and research orientated and certainlyaren't a technophobe. If you're an Aquarian male, some may even callyou the "gadget man". You like to be up to date with the latest andgreatest handheld devices, computers and other audio or visualentertainment equipment.

You find it difficult to uphold relationships with those who aren'tprepared to evolve in the same way as yourself. Due to this you'll becontinually re-inventing yourself, trying to stimulate your friends to bebetter. Your rigid opinions bring you into disagreement with others. Oneof the laws of power suggests that you must act like others, but don'talways openly air your thoughts. It's a good idea for you to keep someof their sweeping ideals tucked away until you test the water first.There's a universal quality about you. Although you appear aloof anddetached you're inwardly sensitive and caring. You prefer to associatewith people who share the same diverse views on life. Your life willalmost certainly never be drab. You are able to embrace anything newincluding music and fashion. This is why you'll always be young at heart.

I <3 John Milton

2008-03-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

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[Excerpts from John Milton's book, Paradise Lost.]For contemplation he and valour form'd,For softness she and sweet attractive grace;He for God only, she for God in him.His fair large front and eye sublime declar'dAbsolute rule; and hyacinthine locksRound from his parted forelock manly hungClustering, but not beneath his shoulders broad.
Paradise Lost. Book iv. Line 297.

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ImpliedSubjection, but requir'd with gentle sway,And by her yielded, by him best receiv'd,—Yielded with coy submission, modest pride,And sweet, reluctant, amorous delay.
Paradise Lost. Book iv. Line 307...>

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Now came still evening on, and twilight grayHad in her sober livery all things clad;Silence accompany'd; for beast and bird,They to their grassy couch, these to their nests,Were slunk, all but the wakeful nightingale;She all night long her amorous descant sung;Silence was pleas'd. Now glow'd the firmamentWith living sapphires; Hesperus, that ledThe starry host, rode brightest, till the moon,Rising in clouded majesty, at lengthApparent queen unveil'd her peerless light,And o'er the dark her silver mantle threw.
Paradise Lost. Book iv. Line 598.

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With thee conversing I forget all time,All seasons, and their change,—all please alike.Sweet is the breath of morn, her rising sweet,With charm of earliest birds; pleasant the sunWhen first on this delightful land he spreadsHis orient beams on herb, tree, fruit, and flower,Glist'ring with dew; fragrant the fertile earthAfter soft showers; and sweet the coming onOf grateful ev'ning mild; then silent nightWith this her solemn bird and this fair moon,And these the gems of heaven, her starry train:But neither breath of morn when she ascendsWith charm of earliest birds, nor rising sunOn this delightful land, nor herb, fruit, flower,Glist'ring with dew, nor fragrance after showers,Nor grateful ev'ning mild, nor silent night.. PAGE NUM="234" -->With this her solemn bird, nor walk by moonOr glittering starlight, without thee is sweet.
Paradise Lost. Book iv. Line 639...>

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Abash'd the devil stood,And felt how awful goodness is, and sawVirtue in her shape how lovely.
Paradise Lost. Book iv. Line 846.

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And feel that I am happier than I know.
Paradise Lost. Book viii. Line 282.

2008-03-19T22:19:00.000-04:00

Right, so.. Why did I create this account? Often I've thought to myself, 'There are so many people on MySpace that see everything I do. There are many people who know my account that I wish not to see it.' Why not go private with it instead of create a separate account elsewhere? Well, I'd just rather not go through the hassle.. So here I am. A blogger account of my very own. Old friends use Gmail, that do not use Yahoo messenger that I wish to keep in contact with somehow besides plain old email. Here, I can do that. I can keep in contact with friends I'd like, as well as keep thoughts I want to remain private.. here.

Here, I can also show off art work that people who know me on MySpace might question. They don't understand that I get into Roleplaying.. They don't understand what a Signature is, or why the need to make a ton of graphics from every day models you see in magazines or on movies. But here, I can just let go and do my thing and not get hounded with thousands of questions. Is that selfish of me? Naw, just tired of dealing with incessant idiocy. So, look forward to not only Rants and Artwork, but poetry and writing as well. I know I'm looking forward to this piece of mind. <3