A few days ago I noticed I've been having a lot of back pain, skin has been real itchy and irritable and then I started having this brownish red discharge. Needless to say, I still haven't had my period. The discharge stopped for a day and then it started back up. I've been reading up on yahoo answers, and nearly everyone says this is implantation breeding. I'm so afraid of getting excited, especially since I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was negative. But I might have taken it too soon.

I'm going to be scheduling an appointment with planned parenthood soon. I should schedule it today... Oh God, I am so scared and happy all at once. I don't want to mention anything about it to Matt either. I don't wanna mention anything to my family... I just want to go and have a blood test done at PP and find out yes or no... if no, then I want to know what the heck is going on with my body. Who do I really have to hold my hand through this? I know I have Matt, but he has enough stress to deal with as it is. I do have Rene... but where the heck is the closest PP to get to? Oy...

So I'm going into month three without my monthly cycle. Dare I hope? I dare not... Every night I've been curling into bed and feeling my belly, fingertips gently probing for any sign of a lump. A tiny shred of something... I don't discuss this with Matt... He doesn't know I'm doing this. I've been having irregular periods for a year come May. I've missed two in a row before... there is no reason to believe that I may be pregnant. But God... I sure am hoping. Matt and I had a really long discussion one night about my obsession with getting married and having babies before I turn a certain age. Ever since then, I haven't talked about any of it with him. I'm so afraid of pushing him away. He's told me he doesn't wanna be 'that guy', the guy a girl cannot talk to. Sometimes, like with this stuff, I can't talk to him.

I annoy the hell out of him sometimes, and I can see it in the way he acts.. or doesn't act. I know his moods like the back of my hand. He says something isn't wrong, when I know in fact that something is wrong. He tells me nothing is wrong, but I can just feel it pouring off of him in waves. I can handle it though. I love this man more than anything in this world. He completes me. I want to spend the rest of our days together. Better or worse, richer or poorer. Though for the whole entirety of our relationship; it definitely has been the poorer end. We'll be okay though soon enough, financially speaking.

Anyways.. I'd better go to bed, it's just after Midnight and we both have to be up early for work. I just want him to know I won't pressure him for anything. What ever happens, happens. Young age, old age... I'm just lucky to have him now.