I just felt like saying 'fuck'.. I haven't updated this in a while, and I do have a bit of uncomfortable feelings sitting on my chest and weighing me down in so many ways.

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been feeling like I've come around full circle again. Like something is right, something I've been through before... something ugly that will only devestate me in the end. I should be used to those feelings, but sometimes.. when it happens unexpectedly, I come to expect it again and again.

Maybe I'm rambling about nothing, maybe I'm being paranoid... Lord knows I do that real well.

I don't know why I cannot stop thinking about babies... every where I turn and look, it's baby this and baby that.. pregnant women everywhere. I'm terrified that I won't be able to have babies... I feel like less of a woman sometimes because of it. I'm so scared, and I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I don't want to burden my boyfriend with any of this, he has enough to worry about... besides, don't we have plenty of time down the road for that kind of thing? And marriage... God... I just want to curl up and stop thinking about all of these life issues for five minutes.

I was looking at foster and adopting options today online. I would love to be a foster parent... so many kids and teens out there need a good home now. I want to help the world, but I really wish the world could help me for two seconds. I need a pillow to scream and cry into... if for any reason... because I can, and it might make me feel a little better to get rid of some stress.

On top of it... I really should apply at Kroger's for a night job. There is no good reason why I should not. Money is money, and so what if I work myself to death... at least I'll have something to keep on my mind other than babies and marriage. I told myself I would never be a ring hunting baby factory. And here I am, contradicting myself! I love Matt so much, but sometimes I think I'm too much for him to handle.

We don't even hang out together than often anymore... we're always in separate parts of the house. It kills me a little more every day. I want to get out with him and do things... I'm afraid of our relationship hitting a plateau and going stale. I'm afraid that he'll wake up one day soon and realize what a mistake he's made by being with me. Maybe they are irrational fears... but maybe they aren't. Where are the butterflies we used to get in the first stages of our relationship? Are we too comfortable with each other to get them anymore? God help me... I just wish I had my old best friend to cry to.