Okay, for the last few months now I've been having some disturbing dreams involving my boyfriend.. whom I know will be proposing to me, asking my hand in marriage if not this year, then something shortly in the next year. I must have some kind of anxiety about marriage, or.. why else would I be having bad dreams about him and the future impending nuptials? I love my man to death, and I know he'd never leave me or cheat on me. I don't understand why I'm having dreams about my ex, especially since I feel nothing for him. Not a shred of love is left in my heart for that man.


I've completely moved on and found someone so much better. For those of you who don't know my honey, his name is Matt, he's 28 [soon to be 29], in college to become an IT Professional and loves me so thoroughly. We met through MySpace mid to late August of 2007, soon fell in love with each other. We both know we're the only one for each other. We talk of marriage all the time, of kids and our future. We share a wonderful house together and have plenty of opportunity to grow as a family and partnership.


However.. why am I having these irksome dreams? I'll explain the last few to you, of what I can remember that is. They've been occurring and recurring over the last few months. I guess it could be because it's dawning on me that I've struck gold with Matt, marriage IS in our future... and it's all real. Tangible.. and oh so scary and awe inspiring. Okay.. here we go.Dream 1: I've left Matt and went back to my ex whom lives in Texas, whom has moved back to Kentucky. [This dream has occurred several times.]Dream 2: [This dream happened a few days ago.] It's the day of our wedding, and I realize that I forgot to purchase Matt's wedding ring. In a panic I come to him with this and he tells me the ring he's gotten me is fake.


Like something out of a cracker jack box, something completely cheap and easily broken. I am aghast at this piece of 'jewelry' and he and I fight about it during the wedding. The Minister won't wait forever and tells us it's now or never.. But how can we get married without rings?! Then, something knocks me unconscious and I am rendered into a coma for several months. I wake up to find that Matt is angry with me for this happening. He tells me very vehemently that he doesn't love me anymore, and I don't understand why because in my injured brain I still think it is the day of our wedding. He tells me cruelly that it is not, he tells me what has happened and that he has found someone else. Someone better.


My heart breaks within the dream and I wake up feeling distressed. Dream 3: [This happened only last night, and it's the biggest baddest one of all; so far. Also, let me explain that I am good friends with his ex girlfriend: Heather. They have a rocky past with each other, but are on good terms now as it's been several years since incidents happened. She's one of my really good friends. Met her through him, actually. Well.. Anyways. ] In my dream I find out that he has been cheating on me, I find out that he wants to leave me and go back to his ex Heather. [Whom is married to the guy she cheated on Matt with, btw. Don't boo her, it's all in the past. They're all grown up now. Stupid shit happens when you're young.]


Anyways.. I am totally devastated by this news.. and I ask him if it's because I'm not pretty enough. He assures me it's not.. and then I ask if it's because I don't have as much money as she does.. Bingo. I cry to him, I tell him I'm in school to become a Nurse and will make double what she does. He doesn't care.. and moves all of his possessions from our house. I cannot stop crying, I beg him not to go. He doesn't care. He just wants to be with Heather because of her money. And the fact that he's been cheating on me! It hurts me to the quick.. knowing she's one of my best friends.. and willingly slept with him.. willingly went to him! A week passes in my dream and I see her out shopping, without him tagging along.


I cry to her, ask her how she could do this.. and I tell her the only reason he is with her is because she's got plenty of money to blow on him. She looks uncomfortable, won't meet my eyes and mumbles that she's sorry and that she has to go. I am a total wreck, and I fall to the ground sobbing and asking "Why?". Dreams aside, I know he has no feelings for Heather and that he loves me unconditionally. I know she has no feelings for him, and that it's probably my subconscious working out stress through my dreams. Am I terrified of getting married? A little.. but I also want it more than anything. I love Matt, I do not love my ex, he does not love his ex, his ex does not love him. What is going on in my crazy head?

Labels: Dreams