I'm done talking about babies! If it happens, it happens. And until then: No more baby talk.

A few days ago I noticed I've been having a lot of back pain, skin has been real itchy and irritable and then I started having this brownish red discharge. Needless to say, I still haven't had my period. The discharge stopped for a day and then it started back up. I've been reading up on yahoo answers, and nearly everyone says this is implantation breeding. I'm so afraid of getting excited, especially since I took a pregnancy test the other day and it was negative. But I might have taken it too soon.

I'm going to be scheduling an appointment with planned parenthood soon. I should schedule it today... Oh God, I am so scared and happy all at once. I don't want to mention anything about it to Matt either. I don't wanna mention anything to my family... I just want to go and have a blood test done at PP and find out yes or no... if no, then I want to know what the heck is going on with my body. Who do I really have to hold my hand through this? I know I have Matt, but he has enough stress to deal with as it is. I do have Rene... but where the heck is the closest PP to get to? Oy...

So I'm going into month three without my monthly cycle. Dare I hope? I dare not... Every night I've been curling into bed and feeling my belly, fingertips gently probing for any sign of a lump. A tiny shred of something... I don't discuss this with Matt... He doesn't know I'm doing this. I've been having irregular periods for a year come May. I've missed two in a row before... there is no reason to believe that I may be pregnant. But God... I sure am hoping. Matt and I had a really long discussion one night about my obsession with getting married and having babies before I turn a certain age. Ever since then, I haven't talked about any of it with him. I'm so afraid of pushing him away. He's told me he doesn't wanna be 'that guy', the guy a girl cannot talk to. Sometimes, like with this stuff, I can't talk to him.

I annoy the hell out of him sometimes, and I can see it in the way he acts.. or doesn't act. I know his moods like the back of my hand. He says something isn't wrong, when I know in fact that something is wrong. He tells me nothing is wrong, but I can just feel it pouring off of him in waves. I can handle it though. I love this man more than anything in this world. He completes me. I want to spend the rest of our days together. Better or worse, richer or poorer. Though for the whole entirety of our relationship; it definitely has been the poorer end. We'll be okay though soon enough, financially speaking.

Anyways.. I'd better go to bed, it's just after Midnight and we both have to be up early for work. I just want him to know I won't pressure him for anything. What ever happens, happens. Young age, old age... I'm just lucky to have him now.

I just felt like saying 'fuck'.. I haven't updated this in a while, and I do have a bit of uncomfortable feelings sitting on my chest and weighing me down in so many ways.

Sometimes, especially lately, I've been feeling like I've come around full circle again. Like something is right, something I've been through before... something ugly that will only devestate me in the end. I should be used to those feelings, but sometimes.. when it happens unexpectedly, I come to expect it again and again.

Maybe I'm rambling about nothing, maybe I'm being paranoid... Lord knows I do that real well.

I don't know why I cannot stop thinking about babies... every where I turn and look, it's baby this and baby that.. pregnant women everywhere. I'm terrified that I won't be able to have babies... I feel like less of a woman sometimes because of it. I'm so scared, and I really feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I don't want to burden my boyfriend with any of this, he has enough to worry about... besides, don't we have plenty of time down the road for that kind of thing? And marriage... God... I just want to curl up and stop thinking about all of these life issues for five minutes.

I was looking at foster and adopting options today online. I would love to be a foster parent... so many kids and teens out there need a good home now. I want to help the world, but I really wish the world could help me for two seconds. I need a pillow to scream and cry into... if for any reason... because I can, and it might make me feel a little better to get rid of some stress.

On top of it... I really should apply at Kroger's for a night job. There is no good reason why I should not. Money is money, and so what if I work myself to death... at least I'll have something to keep on my mind other than babies and marriage. I told myself I would never be a ring hunting baby factory. And here I am, contradicting myself! I love Matt so much, but sometimes I think I'm too much for him to handle.

We don't even hang out together than often anymore... we're always in separate parts of the house. It kills me a little more every day. I want to get out with him and do things... I'm afraid of our relationship hitting a plateau and going stale. I'm afraid that he'll wake up one day soon and realize what a mistake he's made by being with me. Maybe they are irrational fears... but maybe they aren't. Where are the butterflies we used to get in the first stages of our relationship? Are we too comfortable with each other to get them anymore? God help me... I just wish I had my old best friend to cry to.

Bah.. blogger just had a moment of stupidity when I tried to publish my post just now. So I'll retype it!

Rene came around and said she was very sorry, I'm still Ayden's God mother and she and Ayden miss me very much. She also said I should have the position she used to have at work. So, by the grace of God.. I'll be getting it.

The big 25 is looming nearer and nearer.. it's now the 18th. AHHHH! 25 years old soon..

Need to go to planned parenthood and get blood drawn to see if I'm pregnant. I need to know so I can plan my birthday accordingly. No drinking if I am. Not such a bummer, but I would at least like to live it up for the big 25!

Found out a few days ago that our friend Ryan and his wife Theresa are having a baby! So excited, Matt and I put down a 20$ bet to see if the baby will be a boy or girl. He's saying boy.. I, of course, am saying girl. We'll see in August. Lol..

For now though, I'll sign off and come back later and write up some detailed blogs about random bs.

Ciao Bella!

Rene has cut me out of her life, and has renounced my right as Ayden's Godmother. How low is that?

Rene is a total bitch, there aren't enough curse words in my personal dictionary to rain upon her for doing this.

My family thinks I'm one big piece of shit. To Rene, even her friends aren't as insensitive as I am.

The only one I have on my side is Matt. And it seems like he's the only one I'll ever have there. How do I develop a thick skin over night? How do I become a hardcore bitch and say "Whatever.." to every thing that hurts me?

I think I'm done with myspace. I just want to be left alone, I don't want anyone to contact me. Just leave me the fuck alone..

I don't know what I have ever done to make them, especially Rene.. hate me so much.

Can I just start this day all over, please?